This week, the world collectively burst into joy-tears upon hearing that Keanu Reeves is being considered for – nay, being actively pursued by — the MCU, with Marvel Studios president Kevin Feige going so far as to say, “I don’t know when, if, or ever he’ll join the MCU, but we very much want to figure out the right way to do it.”
And to that I say: amen. Amen, and bless us everyone, and may the world exist long enough for us to bask in the glow of Keanu’s aura and essence in MCU form. Granted, I haven’t seen a Marvel film in years because there are so many and I got overwhelmed and opted to read only spoilers on the internet, but even those of us who have zero feelings about any Avenger can understand that Keanu Reeves existing in a superhero capacity is a gift we do not deserve (but will graciously and desperately accept).
We will also accept more Keanu. And because I’m not just someone who criticizes or suggests without offering a solution of my own, here are all the other franchises/reboots/and movies that would benefit from Reeves affiliation.
I would also accept a Keanu Reeves one-man show.
I Think You Should Leavecameo
You think Keanu Reeves isn’t funny? That he simply reads linesand exists as some two-dimensional thespian? Of course you don’t. If you’ve gotten this far, you’re obviously a fan and know that he’s funny in a legitimate way, not in a “said one thing one time that wasn’t terrible and we laughed anyway because we’re in love with him” obsession. After all, did you see Always Be My Maybe? Have you watched the bloopers? Heard the tales? Reveled in the knowledge that Keanu improvised certain lines and has the comedic timing of someone you both want to be and want to be with? Exactly. So put him in the greatest Netflix original series that’s ever existed, and imagine him screaming that it isn’t Turbo Time.
Because I do, every damn day.
How many new Star Wars movies are happening? 24? 16? I don’t know. I don’t care! But if Keanu was cast as literally anything (outside of like, a robot who didn’t have a face), I would care so much. I would care about him going up against Ben “Kylo Ren” Solo. I would care about him talking to Luke Skywalker. I would care about him holding a light saber. And if you think you wouldn’t care, you’re lying to yourself and also to me.
Fast and the Furious
But hear me out: in this version, he either simply drives around for two hours, sometimes fast and sometimes slow, and always down to roll through a drive-thru. Or the existing characters of the Fast and Furious listen to a podcast voiced by Keanu. Meaning: they don’t speak that much. But that’s okay, because we’d all be enjoying a podcast.
Harry Potter / Fantastic Beasts
I cannot imagine anything better than Keanu Reeves replacing Johnny Depp. In anything, actually, but especially in this.
Jurassic Park / Jurassic World
He would be man who loves dinosaurs. Why? Because this is a believable thing, and I know in my heart that should dinosaurs once again roam, Keanu Reeves wouldn’t want anything but the very best for them. Also, Chris Pratt is starting to get on my last nerve, and this is the future the liberals (me) want.
“But Anne!” you object foolishly. “James Bond is British!” Hear me now: I don’t care. Did you like the last James Bond film? Did you enjoy it? Did you watch, thinking, “Wow, this is top tier entertainment that in no way undoes everything Skyfall worked to achieve!” If so, you are ridiculous and I refuse to make eye contact with you. But if, like me, you know James Bond deserves . . . something (anything) more, enter: Reeves. And if not as James Bond himself (Keanu would never object women in that way, and we all know it), then perhaps as the only friend James has. Because heaven knows Jimmy B needs one. Dude is middle-aged and cruising hard towards sad, older rich dude who actively pursues women who can barely drink legally in America. Keanu Reeves is not about this.
Just kidding, I don’t know what this franchise is even doing anymore, but I would never put this blessed man near it.
Sex and the City
In which the movie is simply the four women at brunch, talking to Keanu Reeves. And not about sex or relationships, but about existentialism and staying true to one’s self while navigating the complexities of age and relevency. Also, then, they would shop for two hours. Preferably three. And Chris Noth would show up and say, “Keanu Reeves? Big fan.” Then the theme song would play.