It’s been a year since Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris started dating and man alive where did the time go? JK: it passed, the way time does, because we all have characters and know how dates and things like this work.
But what a time to be alive. Especially after finding out — via Calvin Harris’ Snapchat — that the two celebrated by buying and/or making a cake with the number one on it. (TAYLOR LOVES NUMBERS.) Like seriously everybody hold onto your hats.
“We got a one year cake,” Calvin said, in case we didn’t know what the cake represented or why out of every number they chose the first one. “We got one year cake, it’s one year. Yay.”
But that’s not all: on Instagram, Swifty posted a photo of a locket I will assume she got as a present, making all of this official: one year ago, Taylor welcomed Calvin to the stage of her heart.
And like, honestly, congratulations to them and congratulations to us all. But the thing is, they’re both famous and billionaires, so in my opinion, they should’ve celebrated in a way that made us all want to collectively walk into the sea in sheer jealousy. As regular people — as humans who have maybe paid money to see her or him or them live — we should be filled with resentment of their life and cake choices because we will never have either.
So, as a stranger who will very likely never meet either one of these people, here are my alternatives to their already-having-happened anniversary experiences. May I present: how Calvin and Taylor should’ve celebrated their anniversary.
– Dinner with me and Leonardo DiCaprio
– Dinner with me, because I’d really like to be taken out for dinner someplace really nice
– New tops (everyone loves a new top!)
– New jeans (everyone needs new jeans!)
– A pony (nobody needs one, but what a treat!)
– A private concert by Joan Baez, Taylor’s best friend
– A free Yeezy Adidas hoodie (presumably as a peace offering)
– A couple of gift cards (who doesn’t love gift cards)
– A mixed tape (JK)
– A mixed CD (NOT JK)
– A new list of #SquadGoals
– A cake that says “2”
– Several cakes, but all marked with pi — the greatest number all (3.14 > 1)
– A One Direction reunion
– Setting me up with Harry Styles since Taylor’s probably over him now
– Explaining every Harry Styles reference in 1989
– Explaining every Jake Gyllenhaal reference in Red
– Explaining every Joe Jon– JK, we’re over it
– Tweeting this list or at least one of my very funny jokes
– Welcoming me to the stage
– Making their anniversary all about me, as all anniversaries should be
– Thank you