By Anne T. Donahue
Once upon a time, I was cool. And by “cool” I obviously mean “I stayed up late and I attended events.” It was fun! It was busy! It was something I can’t believe I ever did because last night I fell asleep before 10 p.m. and it was a Friday. But once upon a time, I did things.
TIFF was one of those things. And while I can pretend that when I attended any/all TIFF happenings like a person who was hip, in truth I have always been a geriatric woman presenting in the body of a 20-and/or-30-something-year-old. As such, I have developed this guide for like minds; for kindred souls who want to be at things but want even more to follow those things with comfort, tea, and not being in crowded rooms for an insufferable amount of time. I wish you well.
To start, prioritize seeing actual movies
I know we all love a celebrity sighting, but I can (and will!) confirm that I liked TIFF a lot more when I actually attended screenings. Were they fancy ones? Absolutely not! A fact: if you’re reviewing a movie, you’re not a guest of honour and thank goodness because you can then dive into a vat of popcorn and enjoy the splendour of minding your own business.
This is, to me, maybe the best parts of TIFF – perhaps even the whole point of it. For a glorious week, you can go to movie theatres across the city and watch films that you wouldn’t normally get to see amongst a bunch of like minds. You can turn off your phone and just exist, taking in somebody’s art. You can eat concession food for dinner and rest assured that you’re contributing to the future of a venue. Is it an over-romantic way to think? You bet it is. But it’s a film festival, man! Revel in cloud-thinking for once in your life!
If you’re heading to a Fancy Event™, stand perfectly still like the director of a National Geographic documentary
Perhaps we share the same delusion: you go to a thing, and at that thing, you’re interrupted by a movie star (of your choosing) and/or director (again, of your choosing) who is drawn to your vibe and allure. As a result, you not only become the significant other of said famous, but the shiny toast of the town after inspiring said director to cast you in everything. You are the reason film festivals exist, thank you very much.
But alas! TIFF parties are bananas and full and loud and a bit of a nightmare if you like the opposite of those types of things. So, take the Sir Attenborough approach: park yourself to the side, surround yourself with beverages and snacks, and observe your surroundings. You will see how short celebrities are. You will see how some people would really just like to be close to celebrities. (Who among us.) You will see the route the servers take to deliver new drinks and apps. This is where the power is. You are TIFF now.
The next party is not the magical one, just go home
This is actually just something I would like to go back in time and tell myself. If you’re tired and want to sleep but are convinced you’ll miss out on an incredible moment, know that never in my life have I been anywhere that has trumped going home when I want to go home. Never. Ever! Go to bed! It’s a party! They’ll be another one tomorrow! Once, my friend met Woody Harrelson on the street and she gave him directions, and he told her to her face that he would leave aside tickets to his premiere that night as a gesture of thanks. She was exhausted and my friends and I convinced her to go despite this, so she dragged herself across town, went up to the window, and there were absolutely zero tickets waiting with her name on them. She ended up seeing the movie anyway, but like . . . what the hell, Woody?
What I’m saying is that celebrities are fine, but they really just stand around smiling at post-movie receptions. If even thinking about that makes you tired, put on your sweatpants and call it a night.
After movies, prioritize food
Restaurants! Famous people eat at them, so you may see them. But more importantly, a fancy film festival is a perfect justification for eating irresponsibly at restaurants as a means of boosting the local economy. I love restaurants! They have seats and food and very patient people who will answer your dumb questions about how much dairy something has in it. (I’m sorry, every server I’ve ever met.) When in doubt, go to a restaurant. Treat yourself to a fancy time. Maybe you’ll see a celebrity, and maybe you won’t. But at the very least, you’ll have boosted an independent establishment (yay!) while ensuring you don’t show up in a rush line reading to maim because you should’ve eaten something before leaving.
Nap
This is actually just a rule I try to follow daily. Napping is the most important and beautiful thing in the world.
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