By Danielle Graham
My husband and kids can tell instantly when I’m on the phone with one of my girlfriends.
“Let me guess,” Bea will say. “You’re talking to Auntie Shannon.”
When I ask how she knows, she always gives the same answer.
“I can tell by your laugh.”
And she’s right. It’s the kind of laugh that comes from being completely comfortable, completely seen and completely known.
Whatever stage of life you’re in, I think we’re all taking stock of where we’re investing our time, energy and attention. Between work, parenting, marriage, commitments and the hundreds of mental tabs we have open at.all.times, time and capacity are precious commodities.
I’ve learned to create boundaries and get better at saying no to the things that don’t serve me. Because every ‘no’ creates space for a better ‘yes.’ And at the top of that list are my female friendships. They’ve earned a permanent spot in the ‘protect at all costs’ category.
The magic of these friendships isn’t in the big celebrations or even our annual girls’ getaway. It’s in the daily deposits. The “How did that meeting go?” texts. The “How is your Mom doing?” check-ins. The “I was dying laughing at your podcast this week” phone calls. No matter how busy the day, week or month, we’re always on each other’s minds.
While our seasons may look a little different—some of us are shopping for training bras while others are sleep-training babies—we’re all carrying something. Some are caring for aging parents while others are navigating career pivots or health challenges. The details may differ, but the need is the same: to feel supported, understood and a little less alone in it all.
Once a month, a group of us get together for what we’ve affectionately named Women’s Group, a throwback to the women’s groups our mothers belonged to in the ’80s. We choose loud restaurants because we get high volume when we’re together. We laugh until we cry, share our wins and worries, refill each other’s water glasses as the wine flows, and inevitably run out of time. Four hours somehow feels like 40 minutes. Before we’ve even paid the bill, we’re planning the next one. By bedtime, the group chat is already lighting up with photos, product recommendations and recipes—which we fully acknowledge is a sign of our age.
Like anything worth keeping, friendships need tending. They don’t survive on good times and good intentions alone. They require someone to send the text, someone to make the reservation and everyone else to decide that, despite the million things pulling at them, they’re going to show up. They’re also the kind of relationships that compound over time. The more you put in, the more they give back.
My mom has a beautiful group of friends she’s known for more than 50 years, and I’ve watched those women navigate every season of life together. They’ve celebrated weddings and babies, weathered loss and illness and stood by each other (in sensible shoes) through all of it. Their friendship is one of the greatest examples I’ve ever had of what it means to invest in your people.
But some of the closest friendships in my own life are much newer. Many of the women I consider my inner circle today didn’t know me as a teenager, or we didn’t meet in university. I met them in the messy middle of a very full life. Maybe that’s exactly why those friendships became so deep so quickly—there wasn’t time for small talk. We skipped straight to the real stuff: the fears, the frustrations, the regrets, the dreams and the things keeping us awake at night. When you’re willing to be vulnerable, friendships have a way of fast-forwarding. Before you know it, someone who has only been in your life for a few years feels like they’ve been there forever. Meaningful friendships aren’t measured by how long you’ve known someone. They’re measured by how deeply you’re willing to know each other.
One of the things I’m most proud of is that my daughters get to witness these friendships. I want them to see that relationships don’t just happen. They require effort, intention and showing up. I want them to know that friendship isn’t something you squeeze into the margins of your life after everything else is done. They deserve more than leftover time. They’re a priority because they contribute to building a really beautiful life. One of the unexpected dividends of these friendships is that my girls have inherited an incredible village of aunties. Women who show up, cheer them on and love them so big.
So, yes, I’m doubling down on female friendships.
The best returns in life rarely come from the things we buy or achieve. They come from the people who celebrate our wins, sit with us in our losses and somehow know exactly what to say when we need them most.
If I were putting all my chips on the table, I’d put them on the women who answer when I call, show up when I need them and make me laugh so hard my daughters can tell who’s on the other end of the phone.
That’s a bet I’ll take any day.
For more from Danielle, explore her HERE’S THE THING column on 29Secrets—where she dives into beauty trends, relationship moments, and the real-life conversations we’re all having right now.
