By Anne T. Donahue
Hello, it’s me, your quarantine queen. (Just kidding, but if you would like to make that my nickname, I won’t be upset because I will not be making plans with anybody until . . . I don’t know. This ends? In six years? I trust nobody.) And just in time for the long weekend, I’m wading in to offer suggestions to anyone who usually makes May 2-4 their official start to the summer. Do I tend to do that? No, but I am notoriously un-fun. So in an attempt to be fun, I have suggestions. And not just because I’m high on the knowledge that the shorts I ordered from the Gap back in April are supposed to show up at my house today.
So follow my lead and do these things:
Read another book
What, are we all too good to keep reading? Because it’s all we’ve been doing for the last two months-and-then-some? Get out of here. A million books await us. Read one outside, hold it up in front of your face, and then lower it dramatically any time anybody walks by and say, “Hmm” as if you’re disapproving of all you’re witnessing. Assert power when you have it. Unless you’re trying to bully somebody walking their dog or cat (I’ve seen it!) because, look: those animals are above us and always have been.
Commit only to your teen treats
The weekend before last I drank Fruitopia, limeade, Snapple, and enjoyed 17 freezies, all of which dehydrated me and contributed to the sun poisoning I got. But I digress: now is the time to regress so far that you will not recognize the person you once were in March. We are children again. Eat some popsicles. Have ice cream for dinner. Sit on your front step, eating cookie dough out of the tube because honestly, what else is there. (Disclaimer: you’re not technically supposed to, due to bacteria – so use your own discretion, and do not actually listen to me.) Also, pizza. None of us are eating enough pizza. Eat more pizza. And drink pop before noon.
Roam the streets
Within reason. Like, follow the quarantine rules and also don’t beeline to the most populated place you can find and bring your chaos with you. What do you think this is? No, be an adult. Roam with whoever it is you live with, or roam in the daytime alone (safely, which I say as someone who will not walk alone at night because I am afraid of everyone and everything, and trust not a bloody soul – but also, I have many neuroses, hi), or pace up and down one particular sect of sidewalk because chaos reigns. Just remember that it’s allergy season, so good luck and god speed, nature is trying to destroy me.
Bake a pie (specifically a pie!)
Here is the thing about baking in quarantine: everyone’s already made all the bread, and I can’t do it, I just can’t, I’m sorry. But pie? PIE? You can make a pie. You can add ready-made crust to your grocery order, blind bake it, then fill it with berries, sugar, and cornstarch and toss it into the oven. Will it look good? Nope! It will look terrible. But it will taste delicious, and that’s the point of pie, anyway. Also: chocolate cream pie. But you have to stir forever and will want to take your arm off afterwards. That said, it’s a long weekend and what else are you doing? Exactly, so yes I will take a slice of chocolate cream, thank you for asking.
Literally surround yourself with pink flamingos
I found four at Lowe’s last year, and now the only thing I can think about are my pink flamingos. Especially since four isn’t nearly enough, and I need more to make it feel like summer, and because I will not be hanging out with anybody outside of my direct household for the foreseeable future. So now, plastic pink flamingos are my friends now. They are to whom I will tell my secrets. They are who I will crack open a cold one (of orange Crush) with. They are who will remind me of the precious passage of time.
Move swiftly from jogging pants to jogging pant shorts
If you think I’m going to move on from an elastic waist because it’s not snowing anymore, you are sadly mistaken and do not understand me at all. That said, I will gladly wear my new Gap shorts because I have been thinking about them for weeks and weeks, envisioning how to wear my array of t-shirts with them, and which sneakers I can pair them with. It’s the Look the Way You Did in 11th Grade Challenge™, and I plan to win. Mainly because I’m 100% competing with myself and a bunch of pink flamingos.
Again, pizza
And none of that gourmet shit. It’s a long weekend. Everything feels terrible. Still. Still! Order from wherever’s close, take shots of available dipping sauces, and wash it all down with root beer. Will you feel sick? Absolutely. But that’s what May 2-4 is all about: regret and poor decisions. Surrounded by friends who love you (pink flamingos).
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