By Anne T. Donahue
This week, the internet was consumed with two very important things: whether Taylor Swift was pregnant, and whether Lady Gaga was pregnant.
In response, Lady Gaga posted a TikTok video shutting down said rumours, and Taylor Swift commented aptly: “Can we all agree that it’s invasive & irresponsible to comment on a woman’s body. Gaga doesn’t owe anyone an explanation & neither does any woman [kiss Emoji].” (Or any person with a uterus, for that matter.)
She isn’t wrong! On the day before my dad’s funeral, we held a visitation which I tried to pivot into a mixer, unsuccessfully. (Evidently, visitations are supremely depressing.) I wore a loose-fitting dress because it was hotter than Hades, and I was standing with some pals when one of the older guests asked me the question nobody, under any circumstances, ever wants to be asked: “How far along are you?” I just stared. Him: “You can’t be more than five months.”
When I tell you that I then perished and the visitation turned into a double visitation because I had physically died, I am not lying. I am now a ghost writing this, and have been a spirit since that fateful day in August 2021.
For the record, I was not pregnant. And for the record, I have no intention of becoming pregnant because I was born to be an aunt, and that is where my destiny lies. Understandably, the man was embarrassed (as he should have been), and I left him with the following words: “Here’s a hard and fast rule: don’t comment on anybody’s bodies, ever.” (I could get away with being a bitch because if it’s your dad’s visitation, you can be however you’d like.)
Which I was reminded of after this week of cultural speculation. Is Taylor Swift pregnant? Is Lady Gaga? Are you? Who cares! But in case you’ve been toying with morphing into the man I will never forget circa summer 2021, I have made a how-to guide to help navigate the tricky question of whether somebody is or is not with child.
Rule 1: Begin by never asking
At all. Never. Not even when you are at a baby shower because you know what? Maybe it isn’t a baby shower, and is instead a very tame get-together with an abundance of delicious salads. Bring a gift card to Sephora, pour yourself some sherbet punch, and get on with your life.
Rule 2: Even if faced with extreme hints, never ask
I don’t care if I’m holding my best friend’s hand at the hospital as she is physically giving birth. If somebody wants you to know, they will tell you.
Rule 3: Just don’t perceive anybody, ever
Actually don’t comment on anybody’s weight or size or anything associated unless you are straight-up asked, and even then, your response should be “Why.” A general rule: everybody’s just trying to get through the day, and they don’t need anybody – good intentions or not – running interference when it’s hot out and there are sandwiches to be had and drive-thru order to place. I don’t care if you think I look like I’ve suddenly invented Pilates and could literally shred cheese on my washboard abs*. I didn’t ask, and I don’t want to hear it.
*(This will never happen, and if it does, I have been replaced by whatever AI mannequin type has co-opted humanity.)
Rule 4: If somebody else asks, make them feel bad
I’m not saying you should be mean, but I would have disintegrated on the spot if the pals around me hadn’t ushered that man away until I was ready to either take the high road (say nothing, laugh it off) or collect myself enough to organize a vendetta (I chose something in-between). It is the role of anybody who bears witness to this question to say, “Oh my god, shut up” and then to look at the asker like they should perhaps consider a future in which they move to the desert and live off the land. As Taylor Swift says herself, you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. The stupidest game of all? Asking me any question at any time, but especially about where I carry my weight.
Rule 5: Again, never ask
Out of every question to exist in the world, this is the last question you should ever ask. However, if you say it three times while looking directly in the mirror, I will appear behind you and whisper into your ear: “Idiot.”
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