An (Imaginary) Interview With North West on Her Birthday

Three years ago today, North West was born. And all of us are better for it.

But okay, fine: why do we care? Specifically, why do I, a 30-year-old woman, choose to write about a famous toddler’s birthday? Why do I look at her clothes and try to find them in my size? Why do I hope that one day we’ll meet and she’ll say, “Absolutely Anne, we can be friends”? Why am I convinced that if I ever have children, they will be cool like her? (They won’t be. I know this, and should my future children find this post, I’m sorry: you’re not. And you know it.) Why am I so excited about North West’s birthday?

Because she brings me joy, you monsters. That’s why.

So, in celebration of the big 0-3, here is an imaginary interview I have conducted with North West in celebration of her being born three calendars ago.

Anne T. Donahue: North, thank you for taking time out of your busy day to speak with me.

North West: It’s no problem. I’m happy to be here.

ATD: So, three! What an age. Any big plans?

NW: Eh, not really. I know Kim would like to see me in a new birthday outfit, so I’ll  be trying that on. My dad just released a new track, but it seems to be more about my brother than me, so I’ll ensure he lives to never forget that.

ATD: Which seems fair.

NW: Well, exactly. I work hard, I show up, I play my part. At the very least, I could’ve been featured on the track. Or he could’ve released it tomorrow or next week, when everyone finally stops talking about my birthday.

ATD: Are a lot of people talking about it?

NW: Well, you’re here right now, so you do the math.

ATD: True. Does three feel different than two?

NW: I’d say I have a lot more perspective. At two, you live up to the name — you act out, you look for attention, you throw on a fur and get out there and dance. But now I have my priorities. I’m a big sister now, my little brother looks up to me, and it’s my job to set the standard for my family name.

ATD: That seems like a lot of pressure.

NW: Sometimes it is, but at the same time it’s a privilege. I’ve been born into one of the most important dynasties of the 21st century, and I can’t take that responsibility lightly. I mean, I was ultimately greeted by an audience of millions. I can’t let them down.

ATD: You sound really mature for your age. A lot of people my age would struggle with fame.

NW: I’ve been told that, but I don’t think that’s the case. I think we’re all the products of our backgrounds and upbringings, and Kim and Kanye have only encouraged me to be myself and to challenge the status quo where I can. They’re both artists, both mavericks. For me not to understand and respect that would be a colossal failure on my part.

ATD: Wow.

NW: Indeed. Have you read Nietzsche?

ATD: Oh, um, no. I”

NW: I like this quote: “You have your way. I have my way. As for the right way, the correct way, and the only way, it does not exist.”

ATD: That’s profound.

NW: I think so too. It hangs above my bed and when Kim reads to me, I’ll point to it if I notice she’s having a bad day.

ATD: What does Kanye think of that?

NW: He prefers Plato.

ATD: Right. Well”

NW: Ah, there’s my ride. Anne, it’s been a pleasure. Thank you so much for taking time out of your busy day to speak with me.

ATD: Oh, it’s my job. I’m”

NW: You’re a delight. It’d be nice to have more conversations like this. But unfortunately, the paparazzi wants to hear me say, “No more pictures!” like some type of party entertainer. I’m not a magician, you know? This isn’t Now You See Me 2.

ATD: No, it certainly isn’t.

NW: Can you pass me my fur?

ATD: Oh! Sure, here you go.

NW: Thank you. One must still have chaos in oneself to be able to give birth to a dancing star.

ATD: You should major in philosophy.

NW: Darling, I am a philosophy.