You guys, we need to talk. I saw The Revenant last night and oh my god, WE NEED TO TALK. Can we just somehow convince The Academy to give Leo the damn Oscar already? Not because the movie was worthy of the Oscar. It was good, sure, but it was two hours and 37 minutes and that time was split into two things: beautiful sweeping views of Alberta South Dakota backcountry and bloody things. And not just any bloody things. No, really gross, gag-inducing bloody things. Like horses having their insides scooped out (and a grown man crawling inside) bloody things. But, I’ll get to that.
I love Leonardo DiCaprio and I, like many twentysomethings spent most of my young adolescence with Teen Beat posters of his adorable face plastered all over my bedroom walls. But, guys, this has got to stop. Every movie he comes out with he tries to push the bounds a little further to win that damn Oscar and while I applaud his commitment to the craft (though I feel as though we’re bordering on just plain committed at this point, especially after the information revealed in this recent article), The Revenant is just too much. Just give him the Oscar so I never have to see someone sleep in a horse carcass again.
I will always go see every movie that Leo is in and the last few were really good (I was genuinely bummed when he didn’t win for Django Unchained or The Wolf of Wall Street), but I feel like at this point he’s just trying to get a rise out of the Academy to see what works and sleeping in a horse does not. So should we encourage this kind of movie being released? Okay, maybe not, but I just want him to win the Oscar so we can get off the intense I’ll-do-anything-to-win train and go back to movies that don’t make me want to puke on the woman’s head in front of me at the theatre.
The movie wasn’t bad per se (just unnecessarily long), it had a good plot and a solid cast (props to Tom Hardy and Will Poulter) and I’m not by any means offended by the blood and gore (I’ve been an HBO junkie since the dawn of time), but if this is the natural progression of his attempts at getting an Oscar, I don’t want to see what’s next.
There was this part close to the beginning of the movie where he’s pulling his body around in the snow that was like a less-funny version of the scene in The Wolf of Wall Street. It’s like he thought to himself, Hey, everyone really liked that scene where I was high and I crawled to my car, so maybe we should do that, but instead of being high, I’ll be an injured lunatic and it’ll be in the snow.
I just really, really want to go back to sexy, interesting Leonardo DiCaprio. I’ve never been less attracted to Leo and we even saw his butt… as it was crawling into the horse carcass.
So, for the love of everything holy in this world, just give him the damn Oscar.
