By Danielle Graham
First, a big thank you to everyone who has written in and trusted me with what you’re carrying. Your questions were such a good reminder that so many of us are carrying around versions of the same worries, insecurities and expectations.
And the funny thing is, so much of what we carry isn’t necessarily ours to carry in the first place. Somewhere along the way, we pick up ideas about the kind of mothers we should be, the way our bodies should look, how successful we should be by a certain age and what everyone else seems to be doing better than us. We carry those expectations around for so long that eventually we stop questioning whether they’re actually serving us.
That’s what makes this the perfect next instalment of Here’s The Thing, as part of my partnership with TENA and The Great Ditch Movement, which is all about letting go of what’s weighing us down so we can move forward a little lighter.
And judging by your questions, we’ve got a few things we’re ready to ditch. Let’s get into it.
“I need a weekend away from my kids so badly, but I feel sooo guilty the second I leave that I can’t enjoy my time. How do I let go of the mom guilt?”
Ah, yes, one of the cruel ironies of motherhood. You desperately need a break from your kids and yet when you take that break, you then spend the entire time thinking about your kids and feeling guilty for “leaving them.”
I know this one well. I’m also guilty of white-knuckling through a day of parenting, only to find myself looking at pictures of them once they’re asleep. But I digress.
For any mom reading this: You are allowed to peace out sometimes. There is no badge of honour for burning out and not taking a break. That’s called martyring, and we’re not doing that anymore. In fact, I think there’s something really healthy about our kids seeing that we have our own friendships and interests and a life that exists outside of them.
I have kids who don’t love it when I leave, but that doesn’t stop me from planning my mini breaks. Lots of big feelings and “why do you have to gooooo?” But I remind them, “I’m a person, too. I’m your mom, and I love being your mom more than anything in the world. But I also have friends just like you do, and I like to spend time with them, just like you do. I’ll be back before you know it, and I can’t wait to hear about the adventures you’ve had while I’ve been away!”
So, go. And when the guilt inevitably tries to tag along, don’t let it ruin the trip. When it pops up, name it, sit with it for a second, and then move on to doing what you’re supposed to be doing—taking a beat for yourself. Exercise that muscle again and again, and before you know it, the “g” word will show up less and less.
Also, when you do take that break, resist the urge to completely set up your family with meals and plans and everything in between before you leave. We don’t need to burn ourselves out even further before we get a little rest.
“I know we’re supposed to be celebrating all bodies. But I don’t like the way I look after having my kids.”
Can we make room for a little nuance here? Because I think women have somehow been handed another impossible assignment: “Love every single thing about your body at all times, and if you don’t, you’ve failed at body positivity!”
You can be incredibly grateful for what your body has done and still not love what happened to your stomach. My kids call mine my “melty belly” because that’s exactly what it looks like—melted. And so many women experience a whole host of physical changes postpartum, like bladder leaks, hair loss, and even night sweats. You can believe that all bodies are worthy of respect and still want to feel differently in yours. Those things don’t cancel each other out.
I had five different bodies in five years on national television, and it messed with my mind for sure. I was pre-pregnancy, pregnant, postpartum, pregnant again, postpartum again, all while watching myself on a giant TV screen in high definition. There were times I barely recognized the person I was looking at. I had whiplash from all the changes: different sizes, changing shape, clothes fitting and then not fitting. And around and around we went.
For a long time, I was always looking backwards or forwards. I was measuring the body I had against one I used to have—or one I thought I might have again—instead of figuring out how to live in the body I was actually living in.
I don’t think the goal has to be to stand naked in front of the mirror every morning shouting affirmations at yourself. Maybe the goal is just getting to a place where your body isn’t taking up quite so much space in your brain or holding you back from living. Or being in pictures. Please, please take the pictures. You will never regret having them. Neither will your kids.
Wear the clothes that make you feel good now, not the ones you’re keeping as punishment or motivation. Move your body in ways that make you feel good. Take care of yourself because you deserve to be cared for, not because your body needs to be fixed.
And on the days when you can’t love your body? Maybe just don’t be mean to her. She’s been good to you, and she’s been through a lot.
“I feel like I’m successful on paper, but I keep looking at other women my age and feeling like I’m behind or not achieving enough. The comparison struggle is real.”
The fact here is that there will always be someone who is earning more, doing more, travelling more, achieving more. That’s just the way life is. So now that we’ve established that, what are we going to do about it? This is where your power is—you get to decide what counts as a successful life.
I think we spend a lot of time measuring ourselves against other women without ever stopping to ask if we even want what they have. You see the promotion, the bigger house, the incredible vacation, the business taking off, and suddenly their accomplishment becomes evidence that you’re somehow behind. But behind what? And according to whose timeline?
So maybe instead of asking, “Am I doing as well as everyone else?” you could ask yourself, “Am I building a life that actually feels good to me?”
Your definition of success is allowed to be incredibly specific to you. Maybe right now success is ambition and growth and making more money. Maybe it’s having time to pick up your kids from school.
There was a season when I measured success by opportunity, visibility, money and recognition. Now? It’s measured by how my work makes me feel, the people I get to work with, the pride in what I’m creating, and the flexibility my work gives me to be a more present parent.
Your life, your lane, your own personal measuring stick.
And when you inevitably find yourself scrolling through someone else’s highlight reel and wondering if you’re behind, come back to it. How are you doing according to the things you have decided matter?
If the answer doesn’t feel right, then maybe there are some things you want to change. But if it feels good? Give yourself a pat on the back and keep going.
Thank you again, friends, for your honesty and vulnerability. Stay tuned, as my next column in partnership with TENA is coming soon – I can’t wait to do this again.
Big love,
Danielle
For more from Danielle, explore her HERE’S THE THING column on 29Secrets—where she dives into beauty trends, relationship moments, and the real-life conversations we’re all having right now.
