Propaganda I’m Not Buying Into As A Woman

By Danielle Graham

Women have been handed so many contradictory instructions on how we should be living that it’s a miracle any of us are functioning at all. Lately, I’ve been having more and more moments where I stop and wonder: Do I actually believe this, or have I just been conditioned to? Because somewhere along the way, being a woman started to feel like a constant assignment you either didn’t nail, or handed in late, or both. Improve yourself. Optimize your life. Appreciate every moment. Be grateful. Be healthy. Be emotionally evolved. Rest…but not too much. Is anyone else feeling a little tired of the noise? Here are four pieces of propaganda I’m no longer buying into.

1. That we need to optimize every aspect of our lives

There’s this unrealistic, unsustainable idea that we should optimize every aspect of our lives at all times. I get it: we all want to feel our best. But the sheer amount of data we’re taking in, tracking, timing, weighing, measuring, leaves very little room for…I don’t know…life? Joy? Freedom?

I’m down for a routine. I like movement. I like feeling healthy. But I cannot get behind the pressure to hit every target all the time. REM sleep scores. Step counts. Cortisol levels. And, for the love of cottage cheese, the protein goals.

Being this preoccupied with numbers is not a life I want to live.

I know a glass of red wine will most likely wake me up at 3 am. But I still choose monthly dinners with my girlfriends where we eat family-style, order cocktails and wine and laugh too loudly. So, I lose a bit of sleep one night. The trade-off is deeper connection with people I love.

Same with food. I know protein matters. I understand all the reasons we’ve been told to care about it. But obsessing over how to hit 40 grams per meal? It can’t be me. Sometimes I want to rip open a hot bagel, slather it in cream cheese, and sit beside my kids watching Marigold somehow get cream cheese all the way to her ear.

And exercise? I move my body. I strength train. I do Pilates. But there are times I just want to go for a walk without feeling like it somehow counts less. There is already enough pressure on women and mothers—I don’t need one more reason to feel like I’m failing at my own life. 

2. That we need to earn rest

Straight up, I am a work in progress on this one. But I figured that by sharing it with all of you, I’d hold myself accountable.

I grew up with the best parents in the world, but these people did not rest. There was always something to be done. Cut the grass. Fold the laundry. Do the groceries. Clean the bathrooms. Vacuum the stairs. And if there was still time left after everything was done, then you could sit down.

Like scraps of time are given to rest. The leftovers.

I married an easy rest-er. And I’ve had to work to de-program myself from the discomfort I feel when I see my husband resting with ease. How is he just chillin’ while there is so much to do? Even when I do sit down, I’m rarely actually resting. I’m organizing the household from the couch: making lists, setting reminders, filling out forms, and making appointments on my phone.

But I’ve started to realize that maybe his ability to truly stop is healthier than this idea that we need to completely deplete ourselves before we’re “allowed” to rest. Because somewhere along the way, women started believing rest was a reward instead of a basic human need.

And now we even try to justify it. We call it “recharging” or “recovering” or “resetting,” so it still sounds productive somehow. As if simply wanting some chill time isn’t reason enough.

I don’t want my girls growing up believing rest is something you earn only after you’ve completely exhausted yourself. I want them to understand that slowing down, sitting still, watching a show in the middle of the afternoon or taking a nap because your body needs one is not laziness. Though admittedly, I’m still working on believing it myself.

3. That motherhood should be naturally fulfilling all the time

I cried outside a garden centre last weekend.

I look forward to gardening season the way some people look forward to the holidays. I start thinking about my gardens in the depths of winter, and the anticipation of getting my hands in the dirt gets me through some of those long winter days. I love wandering the aisles. I love putting planters together. I love the colours and textures and beauty of it all—the creativity and the calm it brings me.

Which is why last weekend felt so upsetting.

We were en route to our cottage and made a stop at a big-box store. I just wanted 20 minutes to walk around, get inspired, start visualizing, choose a few plants, and enjoy myself. But my kids were simply not going to let that happen. Fighting. Whining. Antagonizing each other. Endless questions. I’m hungry. I have to pee. When can we leave?

At one point, even the lovely woman helping me gave me the tight, knowing smile that said, I see you.

I had set the intention, as I often do, of us having a great day together. And sometimes it works. Sometimes we make those forever memories, create new inside jokes, and accidentally start new family traditions.

And sometimes I’m crying in the car because motherhood is just hard.

But then comes the guilt. The voice in my head reminding me to “enjoy every moment” because “you’re going to miss this someday.”

And maybe that’s true.

But the propaganda I’m not buying into is this idea that good mothers are supposed to “enjoy it all.”

I think we need to make more space for the reality that motherhood is not naturally fulfilling all the time. Sometimes it’s beautiful and meaningful and magical. And sometimes it’s exhausting, overstimulating and really hard.

Both things can exist at once.

4. That we should constantly be working on ourselves

When exactly did being a woman start to feel like becoming your own lifelong renovation project? Is the scaffolding just up forever now? Are we expected to spend our entire lives constantly working on being better?

I am genuinely proud of my evolution as a person, friend, mother, partner, and daughter. I love the lessons, growth, and expansion that come from being challenged. But somewhere along the way, being proud of our journey stopped being enough, and what replaced it was the pressure to improve ourselves at all times.

The inspiration for this piece came from a moment when I caught myself listening to a podcast about nervous system regulation while shopping for a vibration plate and mentally reviewing something I had said three days ago that I should probably “work on.” It’s no wonder many of us are exhausted by the sheer amount of self-awareness seemingly required to be a modern woman.

The propaganda I’m not buying into is this idea that womanhood should feel like a never-ending self-improvement project.

I’ll grow when life calls for it. I’ll evolve as things present themselves. I’ll adapt when the time comes. I’ll heal when I’ve actually processed something. But I’m not interested in forcing transformation just for the sake of constantly “working on myself.”

Sometimes I’m ok staying on the same level of a video game. It’s familiar, and I like it here. I don’t always need to be levelling up.

I’m not saying I have it all figured out. I’m just saying I’m getting better at noticing the noise and editing as I go.

For more from Danielle, explore her HERE’S THE THING column on 29Secrets—where she dives into beauty trends, relationship moments, and the real-life conversations we’re all having right now.