By Anne T. Donahue
In case you’ve emerged from a cryogenic slumber (and if so, welcome back!), Taylor Swift is in Toronto and Swift Mania™ is in full swing.
Of course, as is the case with our favourite billionaire pop star, pandemonium is ensuing emphatically. The line-ups for merch (for merch – which went on sale the day before her first show on Thursday) are historically long. The literal venue is decorated better than it usually is for Blue Jays games. Police horses are wearing friendship bracelets, which is strange to me. Actual people have paid thousands and thousands of dollars to attend one or more Eras dates – and not for a meet-and-greet: most attendees are simply shelling out just to be there.
Which I can understand, sort of! The world, as we are well aware, is spinning out of control and inching us all closer to the dark abyss. Happiness is hard to come by. Famous people are interesting. Taylor Swift’s music is catchy as hell, and even if you’re planted firmly in the anti-Swift camp, you cannot deny the allure of “Lavender Haze.” So this, dear reader, is for you. It is a guide to the next several days to ensure you remain grounded in a healthy reality instead of descending into pessimism because every restaurant on the planet (or in Toronto) is serving Taylor-inspired cocktails.
Accept it
To fight against the T-Swift frenzy is an act of self-sabotage. You will not win. You cannot prevail. Should you pour your energy into protesting every aspect of Toronto’s Taylor thirst, you will only end up a cold, empty husk of a person who no longer has the energy to do anything but sulk. This is bigger than you. This is bigger than me. This is a cultural moment that will eclipse even the loudest cries of “But her private jet!” I know. We all know. Go to the movies and make peace with existing outside of the local zeitgeist.
Join them?
I say this with hesitation because the odds of this succeeding is slim to nil. If you don’t like a pop artist, you don’t like a pop artist. And if you don’t like a pop artist, you most certainly are not about to pay hard, earned dollars for a last-minute ticket. But hey: if you’re a millionaire and you’re reading this, why not? And also: may I please have some of the money you’re not currently using?
Remember your teen/young adult/non-cynical self
It’s hard, I know. Some of us (hello!) are rooted quite comfortably in remembering our younger selves and being grateful that as adorable as we may have been, we’re also glad to be living separately from them. But alas, we were young once. We liked things! We missed school the day after Ginger Spice quit the Spice Girls! (Shout-out to me, doing exactly.) We learned the choreography to “Stop” and to “Everybody (Backstreet’s Back)” and lost our shit on anyone who couldn’t master the moves after a handful of practices! We don’t get to look at the millions of wee Swifties and judge them for being psyched about their favourite singer. Remember that version of yourself who you like to pretend didn’t rush the dance floor for “Bye, Bye, Bye.” We may all be jaded and tired and drained of pure joy, but draining the sweet babies of their rightful coming-of-age concert moment is below us.
Look upon the adult Swifties and think, “Good for her!”
Like Lucille Bluth in Arrested Development, hold your drink high and shower the subculture with all the congratulations you can muster. Swifties are different than some of us, and that’s okay! Let them revel in various eras and come to terms with the jealousy you have for the ability to love any person, famous or non, with the zeal of those willing to wear Taylor-inspired outfits. I love many people, but not a soul will inspire me to wear a sequin onesie. And whose fault is that? Taylor Swift fans? Or mine, for being so set in my ways, that I perpetually dress like I’m waiting for the release of Reality Bites?
Exactly. This week may annoy you. You may curse Taylor Swift Way because admittedly, it’s very bizarre that a city’s mayor has opted to name a street after somebody who’s not even Canadian. (But okay!) You will not understand the friendship bracelet exchanges because, like me, you do not have the patience to make anything, let alone a craft that seems time-consuming. And that’s okay! This isn’t the end of days, it’s a very famous singer who is making our own garbage era feel a little fresher. You don’t have to wear the sequin onesie. You just have to make peace with the fact that anybody who wants to wear one, can and does.
Need a little more Anne? Read more from Anne T. Donahue right here!
