By: Anne T. Donahue
Yesterday, the name of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s first born was announced and fans of Riverdale rejoiced.
Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor is the tiny, two-day-old little muffin seventh in line to the throne, and while I’m sure Harry nor Meghan would ever name their child after the worst character in a CW series, I am sure that I have a list of names that are even better.
Which may be too late, I know. But just in case neither had a friend to say, “Guys, everyone will for sure think you’re referencing the comics,” I will be that friend now. Also, he may want to change his own name at one point, and won’t it be nice to have a reference guide. (Spoiler alert: It absolutely will be.)
Harrison Ford
They’re halfway there. Why not commit?
Mountbatten
But, like, one word. He’d either be an artist or the worst person alive, and reader, I would love to witness either.
KJ Apa
Anyway, behold a man not nearly as terrible as Archie from Riverdale: KJ Apa, the actor who plays him. Granted, I know nothing about him and I care not to learn, but what a power move it would be to completely steal an actor’s identity, particularly when their name is very uncommon and one I had to Google.
Suits
Frankly, I’m livid this wasn’t considered, especially since Meghan and Harry wouldn’t have met had she not been starring in it. Have I seen it? I have not. Will I ever? Oh, heaven’s no. But imagine Queen Elizabeth picking up this wee baby and saying, “Hi Suits! Hi!”
Claire Foy
Speaking of QEII, she did a great job in The Crown and I bet this tribute would mean the world.
Brad or Brendan
Behold: my go-to boy-Barbie names between 1994 and 1996, respectively. They were the coolest names I could think of at the time, and I still equate the first Ken with real hair with said coolness. Combine them both and you have a baby who will grow up to skateboard, I guarantee it.
Mackenzie
The roar of a motorcycle comes to a halt. The rider removes his helmet, shaking out his perfectly-styled late-nineties hair and lays his eyes on you. “Hi,” he said, somehow also wearing sunglasses. “I’m Mack.” The leaders of the world stand in awe and vow never to fight again.
Bruce
“Was he named after Springsteen?” will be the question, and the answer will always be “Absolutely.”
Reginald
Just kidding, this name is suitable only for a cat.
Baby
It worked for Frances in Dirty Dancing, and there’s no reason to reserve this name for a specific gender. Plus, he would likely learn to dance, and better than I’m sure anyone else in that palace can.
Johnny Castle
The “Castle” is essential in ensuring success for this young man. Otherwise, he will be confused with the young Johnny Cade in The Outsidersand I cannot emphasize enough what a buzzkill that would be.
George
I love a feud.
Kate Middleton
I love a strange feud.
Anne T. Donahue
I love myself, and would love being the namesake of a small child who will never know me.
