Warning: Spoilers ahead!
Last night… on RuPaul’s Drag Race: For Alyssa Edwards, bigger is always better, at least when it comes to getting that D: Dazzling Musical Theatre Performances. The season five and All Stars 2 standout was the Liza-in-Chief of the original musical PharmaRUsical, a musical inspired by shady pharmaceutical infomercials.
💞✨ The tea. The wisdom. The motivation! ✊@AlyssaEdwards_1 #DragRace pic.twitter.com/4aNNYBdr21
— RuPaul’s Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) March 30, 2018
Things did not start out well for returning darling Eureka O’Hara, back after sustaining a dance injury in season nine. Chosen last in a schoolyard pick between two competing musical companies, the motor-mouthed monarch opted to join her former pageant competitor Asia’s team, where her contributions were about as welcome as gravy on a hot dog.
While The Vixen’s team was killing their choreography, Asia was icing out Eureka’s attempts to usurp the Team Captain throne, leaving them woefully unprepared for their meeting with Alyssa, whose coaching consisted of demanding “BIGGER!” everything. This actually turned out to be sound advice for the final performance, which featured such medical breakthroughs as Trollvada, for the bitter old queen who talks your ear off about Lady Gaga stealing her act from Madonna, and Caulk, for those of us who speak only in drag clichés, okurr?
After concluding with the empowering ballad “Is There An Anal Option?,” which the hologram of Whitney Houston called “a hard pass,” guest judges Halsey and Padma Lakshimi joined Ross Matthews, Michelle Visage and Mother Ru in crowning Team The Vixen the challenge winners. The Vixen won for her outstanding work as team captain.
👏 Congrats #TeamVixen! #DragRace pic.twitter.com/uDLVJNZ8Ct
— RuPaul’s Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) March 30, 2018
The bottoms were the self-declared big girls, best buds Kalorie Karbdashian Williams and Eureka. In a Lipsync For Your Life to “Best Of My Love” by The Emotions, Kalorie stood front and centre and did entry-level drag in a black sheer fabric bodysuit while Eureka worked the entire back of the stage in a glorious rhinestone-covered pink and black catsuit.
With Kalorie twerking her way to the bottom for a second week in a row, her ass was sent home. Budding BFFs Kalorie and Eureka both shed tears (for themselves).
But with a sprawling cast of 12 still competing, there were plenty more queens who deserve a spotlight. Let us crown the standouts in some of the more sedated categories.
Best Style Twinsies: Halsey and Aquaria
Who wore giant hoop earrings best? Halsey, who wore them in her ears, or Aquaria, who wore them in her nose? Scholars continue to @ each other on Twitter as they wrestle with this question.
You’re perfect, you’re beautiful…@aquariaofficial #DragRace #Untucked pic.twitter.com/ZDTehJDjmK
— RuPaul’s Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) March 30, 2018
Best Look For Cruising In A Beetlejuice Bar: Dusty Ray Bottoms
Dusty Ray’s black-and-white-striped blazer was described by the judges as “like Beetlejuice, but sexy.” Halsey felt it was risky for Dusty to wear something so coded as masculine, despite the fact that it was studded with rhinestones and she was wearing at least two and a half wigs worth of Dolly Parton hair.
Winner of Drag-amania 2018: Eureka vs. Asia: Eureka
Asia shot down such choice Eureka choreo tips as “[the first move] is always to the right in theatre.” But once they got in front of Alyssa, that turned out to be gospel theatre truth. Asia was deducted one gay point, and is now at 999,999,999,999,999,999, with a mere zillion points remaining before she is revealed to be a heterosexual.
Worst Visitor From The Housewives Universe: Andy Cohen
The new rule for Andy Cohen should be he is not permitted outside of the Watch What Happens Live set unless he is escorted by Anderson Cooper. Thankfully Monet X Change gave us the Bravo star we deserved when she served pure Nene Leakes on the runway.
Best Fern Gully Fan-Fiction: Kameron Michaels
When The Vixen chose Kameron Michaels because she was “quiet,” our dickmatism alarms sounded. But Kameron actually delivered an enchanting butterfly-embellished runway look, which she described as, “the butterfly queen from Fern Gully if there was one.” Maybe she is more than a pretty face, sculpted muscles, series of tattoos, tight briefs and, sorry, what were we talking about?
🦋The butterfly effect! 🦋 @KameronMichaels #DragRace pic.twitter.com/OWyWdoIhoN
— RuPaul’s Drag Race (@RuPaulsDragRace) March 30, 2018
Next week, on RuPaul’s Drag Race?: If Madame Butterface is any indication of how hilarious the new dating apps that the queens are shilling next week will be, we are swiping right. Not to mention that living legend Courtney Love and the equally living Nico Tortorella from Younger will be the guest judges.
Will Aquaria continue to Black Swan over Miz Cracker? Will Eureka recruit a new ally to make up chants with? Will the Kardashians ever get a drag queen who can out drag their Kardashian drag?
Find out on episode three of RuPaul’s Drag Race: Season 10 on Thursday at 8 PM E/P on OUTtv.
