Guys, last night at the Democratic National Convention, Michelle Obama delivered a speech that was like a dream wrapped in another dream, wrapped in a really lovely duvet that could also be worn as a superhero cape.
It called out Trump (without naming him), called out America’s systemic racism, called out Twitter idiots, and made everybody on Twitter want to hear her conclude it by saying she was going to run alongside Cory Booker in 2020. Like, it was amazing and everybody was crying and it was like the anecdote to the shit-storm that was the RNC last week.
So, as all things do, it got me thinking. I want to make Michelle Obama proud. I want her to be super proud of me and I don’t want to let her down. I also know I am not alone in this because I tweeted that and everybody was like, “YES! AH! MICHELLE!” Which is why I am giving us all this: a guide to making Michelle Obama proud. Like, the things I am 1000% sure she would say “Good job, Anne!” about if she found out I did them. Let’s do this:
A Guide to Making Michelle Obama Proud:
– Cleaned the house — like really cleaned it. And got rid of a bunch of things I didn’t need. She’d be so proud.
– Eat a healthy lunch. And like, a lunch that I personally made. And a good one — one with salad and a really healthy sandwich. She’d be so proud of me for not eating the chips and salsa I have in the cupboard and am fighting the urge to cram into my body right now.
– Not yelling at someone. I love yelling at people. Strangers especially, but especially idiot strangers online. I don’t know — the day is young, my answers are subjective. Last week my friend told me her husband is pro Trump and I turned into a demon and yelled “WHY ARE YOU KIDDING WHAT THE FUCK” and then said “NEVER TELL ME ABOUT THIS I WILL HATE HIM IF YOU DO” and it got weird for about five minutes. I bet if I didn’t do that, and took a breath for once, Michelle would be like, “Anne, I’m so proud.”
– Not having road rage. I love road rage. I love honking at people and swearing at idiots because I am a person who has a bad temper and also it feels great to call somebody a hairpiece on wheels or shout things like “MORON!” because I can’t do that in my actual life. But I bet if someone cut me off and all I did was honk once like a person, Michelle would be so proud.
– Reading books. In middle school I’d do this summer reading challenge where I’d get a sticker at the library for every book I read, and I had to get two sheets because I read so many books. God, Michelle would be so proud.
– Seeing a movie that looks great, but isn’t getting the hype it deserves. “Anne, you are my best friend and you support the arts — I am so proud,” is what I know Michelle would say.
– Getting a great deal on a top. Like, my Mom is proud of this and I know Michelle’s younger than my Mom, but my Mom is SO PROUD whenever I say “It was regular $100 — on for $19!”
– This list. I think Michelle would be really happy I remembered I had a deadline and that instead of sitting on the kitchen floor and eating chips and salsa, I chose to be a productive citizen and do the literal one job I have to do. I think this would make her proud. Michelle, are you proud? Also, would you like to be my friend? Please do not answer unless the answer is “absolutely — I’m so proud.”