Where to Find Those Fantastic Beasts

Today, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them finally hits theatres, which means we will all be granted a two-hour reprieve from real life, finally.

And that brings me to two very important questions: who are these fantastic beasts? And where do we find them?

Terrific and brave of me to ask, I know. And because I care about you and it’s Friday and it’s about time one of us did some real work around here, I am going to attempt to answer these questions for you now.

So the first? I do not know what fantastic beasts this movie is referencing. I didn’t read the book it was based on, I’m sorry. But I have this painting of a medieval cat who has a human face saved to my computer, and I am going to put cold, hard cash on the idea that it’s that. That is one (or all) of the fantastic beasts. So you’re welcome.

The second? Well, I have some theories. They always say you find your fantastic beasts in the last place you look, but who can never be sure? Exactly. Which is why I have a list of potential whereabouts right here. Spend your weekend questing accordingly, because I have literally done all the work for you. Here is where to find the fantastic beasts:

• As mentioned, in the last place you look
• Standing right behind you
• From inside the house
• Under your bed (unoriginal but I don’t make the rules)
• At Applebee’s (great wings)
• At Arby’s (great fries)
• In the mirror, after you say their name three times
• At my home (it’s me, I am the most fantastic beast of them all)
• In the busiest mall on the last shopping day before Christmas because they may be fantastic beasts, but they’re also really inconvenient
• Under one of Benedict Cumberbatch’s capes in Dr. Strange
• At any Broadway play you can’t get tickets to, sorry
• In a screening for Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them (#meta)
• In a screening for Trolls (honestly imagine the crossover)
• In an episode of Planet Earth 2 (*makes female sloth sound*)
• Among fellow sloths
• Guys what if the fantastic beasts are sloths
• No, like, forget what I just said about the medieval cat and let’s really focus on the sloth theory
• Where are sloths?
• Go there
• You found your fantastic beasts

I can’t believe we solved this together. Just kidding, I am not surprised — I am a genius. Now go forth, find sloths, pet sloths. And if you can’t find the sloths, look for alpacas. They are just as fantastic, I promise you.