Today, the first day I personally have woken up without wanting to perish (the summer stomach flu is real, and if you’re not careful, it will find you), marks the blessed start to Mercury in Retrograde. Which, as we all know, is responsible for everything bad that has ever happened to us, that is currently happening to us, and what will happen to us in the future. More or less.
Basically, every time Mercury goes Retrograde, I think about Nigel in The Devil Wears Prada shouting, “Gird your loins.”
That said, it isn’t always apocalyptic. Logic (and the internet) tells me that this cycle will last from July 26 until August 19, and because Mercury controls communication, it’s a great time for us to double check emails, flight details, what so-and-so meant in that text, and whether whatever you just heard yelled at you was meant in that particular tone. It also means the past will creep up to haunt me (and you) because it’s time to deal with that unfinished dramatic business. And that no matter how scared we all are of Merc in Ret, it’s never that bad if you’re paying attention.
But that’s logical me. Emotional me is different. Emotional me plans to ignore the fact that Mercury in Retrograde during Leo season means that what I would’ve sensationalized regularly will be less of a big deal and instead I will focus on how every mistake I make is the result of the stars and planets and the stupidity of my enemies. So while a better, more responsible person may write you a guide to getting through this “tumultuous” time (seriously: just pay attention to detail and clarify what you’re not sure of and double check your tone and prepare to run into everyone who broke your heart — you’ll be fine), I will write one to what we can safely blame Mercury in Retrograde on. Because I like to blame people for things. Like the barista who put their hand on the spot I drink from on my coffee lid? They were the one who gave me this flu (I bet).
So remember, it’s Mercury in Retrograde’s fault:
- That your name on the aforementioned coffee cup was spelled wrong
- That you sent the email about your boss to your boss
- That you emailed your boss a Drake gif instead of an apology email
- That you accidentally liked a photo of your crush on Instagram from 2014
- That you accidentally liked a photo of your crush’s ex on Instagram from 2012
- That you accidentally DM’d a selfie of yourself in a panic to both parties while trying to throw your phone against the wall
- That you got sick
- That your cat won’t hang out with you
- That your dog wants to hang out with you too much
- That none of the dogs you see on your walk smile back
- That the baby next to you at the cafe is crying
- That it’s so hot outside all of us are praying for death
- That in the winter you will inevitably blame yourself for the April ice storm for wishing cold weather upon us
- That you, for the love of all that is good, just cannot pull off jorts
- That you dressed for the air conditioning, not for the weather
- That your friends want to hang out outside in the park like a bunch of ghouls
- That your friends keep getting mad about how vocal you are about hating the park
- That nobody wants to go to the mall
- That so-and-so isn’t texting you back, despite you having apologized for that accidental panic-selfie
- That so-and-so isn’t liking your photos anymore
- That so-and-so has blocked you
- That Leonardo DiCaprio has asked that you please stop referring to him as “so-and-so” in all private and public posts (sorry Leo)
- That Leonardo DiCaprio is working with Quentin Tarentino
- That anyone in any context misunderstands you
- That anyone in any context disagrees with you
- That you made a typo when the last thing you needed to do was make a typo
- That a random person on Twitter is pointing out that typo
- That it is me, pointing that typo out to you
- I’m sorry
GO FORTH.
