By Anne T. Donahue
Every so often, we – as a people – are confronted with a mystery. Yet recently, one has come to consume the hearts and mind of every person on the planet, especially if they spend way too much time on the internet or have fallen through the royal family rumour rabbit hole.
I am, of course, referring to the disappearance of Kate Middleton.
According to my sources (various tweets and websites), the Princess of Wales was last seen on Christmas Day – weeks before the Palace announced she had undergone abdominal surgery and would not be seen again until at least Easter. Yet after Prince William pulled out of saying a few words at his godfather’s memorial yesterday (for “personal reasons”) the Palace issued the reassurance that Kate “continues to be doing well.” As a result, most of us have come to the following assumptions:
Something conspiratorial is happening with or around Kate Middleton. She may even be in the process of growing out new bangs.
As a disclaimer, let me make clear that none of us know anything real about the Royal Family because they are an enigma wrapped in a mystery wrapped in a vest. It’s shocking that we know King Charles has cancer and more shocking still that Kate’s surgery was elaborated on to the point of us knowing where exactly her surgery would be taking place. But also: what’s going on? Why haven’t we at least seen Kate’s arm wave out of her window like Woody did with Buzz in the first Toy Story film? Why not even the meme of the man texting, “I lived, bitch” alongside a selfie or a generic shot of Kate, in bed, watching Love Is Blind? Why did William bail on his godfather’s service less than an hour before he was supposed to be there, despite the festivities (is that the right word?) essentially taking place in his own backyard?
To start, let’s acknowledge the most obvious: if I were William, I wouldn’t want to go anywhere Prince Andrew was, and he was going to be at the service. I would avoid that man at all costs, and I would ensure that everybody around me knew how much I hated him and how I would rather sacrifice my career than spend a second longer at the same venue as he.
Alas, I am not Prince William, and his family is not mine (thank goodness), so there can only be one of two possible answers: he got up, got ready, looked outside and said, “Yeah, I don’t want to go” and did not. Or, he was sick. Sick from a cold and/or flu, or sick from worrying about Kate Middleton, who is missing.
For the record, the conspiracies really are next level, and frankly, I choose to believe that she absconded ala Amy Dunne of Gone Girl, and is currently in the midst of framing William for murder after his much-rumoured affair with that woman a few years ago. (Who among us would not, riddle me that?) But what’s fascinating to me about Missing Middleton is that none of us believe the Palace anymore. At all. If anything, Kate’s lack of public presence has illuminated the very painful reality (for the Royals) that we’re not buying what they’re selling and that if they’re not offering cold, hard proof, we will assume they’re covering up something sensational.
And reader, I love to see it. I love that we’ve collectively chosen to publicly push back against Palace protocol, and I love that we’re suggesting that Kate Middleton may have gotten lost in Scotland’s Willy Wonka attraction that may or may not be condemned. And who’s doing is this? Harry’s? The long legacy of Royals telling zero truths to suit their best interests? Our own cynicism, growing daily as a result of the crumbling world around us? It’s the end of an era, and if the Royals want to stay culturally relevant, they need to, well, court the culture.
A press release doesn’t cut it anymore. A BAFTAs appearance means nothing. In 2024, celebrities are live-tweeting their dentist appointments. Give us at least a screenshot of the Netflix show Kate is watching as she recuperates, since the Royal position is supposed to be the most public-facing. Tell us if William’s “personal matter” was the result of bad chili or if he frankly didn’t want to go. (Which, honestly, I would respect.) Most of us already have Royal Family fatigue and truly cannot with most of their activities because why are we paying them to be figureheads in the midst of a global economic crisis. The least they can do is prove that Kate Middleton did not get bangs, did not run away with Pete Davidson, has not undergone a Brazilian Butt Lift.
Or, like the rest of us, did she get bored with the Windsors? Because friends, I cannot blame her if she did.
Can’t get enough of the Kate drama? READ Where Is Kate Middleton?: A Timeline Of The Royal Drama. Need a little more Anne? Read more from Anne T. Donahue right here! Plus, don’t miss the story of Kate Middleton’s Alexander McQueen Wedding Dress.
