This week, Us Weekly christened Millie Bobby Brown as a bona fide style star and sang her praises for establishing herself “as a fixture on best-dressed lists thanks to her playful and age-appropriate style.” Which, like, sure! Brown is 14 and she wears sneakers a lot (same) and most recently, her (teenage) breakup was also covered extensively on every website in the land but also she is 14. 14! A wee baby teen. And while many teens are fighting to change the world and are doing incredible things, they are also not adults. And every time I see a headline about Millie Bobby Brown I think, “Wow when I was 14 I was wearing polyester tank tops and seeing Drive Me Crazy as often as possible.”
So, in the spirit of fair and balanced journalism, consider this your guide to remembering that Millie Bobby Brown is 14. That she is famous, but also 14. And that her style is great, but also: she is 14. Because when I was 14, here’s what I was up to:
- As mentioned, I saw Drive Me Crazy (or Center Stage) as often as humanly possible
- I bought Mary Jane platform shoes because I saw them in a TV show, but had no idea how to walk in them and never wore them again
- I wore Mod Robes on civies day at school and thought I’d maybe be mistaken for a doctor
- I went over to my friend’s houses for dinner and got in trouble for not finishing my vegetables by their parents — because I was a literal child
- I went rollerblading in jeans
- I cried watching at least one episode of Breaker High
- I only shopped at Bootlegger
- I called my crush while watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and because I had absolutely nothing to say to him, we sat in silence while both watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
- I watched the boys I liked skateboard in a parking lot and considered doing so on a wonderful Friday
- I slicked my hair back into a bun with gel and thought I looked like Rose in Titanic
- I sat in the hallway during semi-formal and cried because the boy I liked didn’t dance with me
- I believed dancing to 98 Degrees’ “I Do (Cherish You)” with another crush “really meant something”
- I ate a bagel from Tim Hortons every day for lunch
- Except for the days I ate fries and gravy
- I burned all the kindling at my aunt and uncle’s house while I was babysitting because the real fire logs were too heavy and I thought I’d start a fire if I tried to lift one
- I took the wrong bus at least once a week
- I drank pop when I was thirsty and considered water “disgusting” and “gross”
- I thought knowing all the words to “Nookie” was the pinnacle of cool
- I befriended a current best friend because she knew all the words to “Nookie”
- I wasn’t allowed to buy the Limp Bizkit CD
- I listened to my parents and did not buy the Limp Bizkit CD
- I believed I was a full-grown adult
- So I wrote poetry about being misunderstood
- And read it in English class
- And was appalled when nobody cried or was emotionally moved the way everyone was when Kat read her poetry in 10 Things I Hate About You
- Because I was 14 and an artistic adult, damn it
So remember all of this whenever you think about any child actor as the basis of a viable news piece.
