Alright, everyone. I see we’re all a little excited. Fights are breaking out, near-stampedes are being had, and lines have wrapped around buildings. And for what? Balmain for H&M which, while I will happily sit here and praise, is a clothing collaboration. And clothing collaborations, no matter how exciting or Kardashian-endorsed, require any/all members of the human population to please calm the eff down.
That’s it. Just calm the eff down. Are you reading this and getting stressed out even thinking about how you’ll acquire these pieces? Stop it. Stop. It. It’s Thursday morning. Have a tea. Sit down for five seconds. Go on the Internet and scroll through the online shopping options, or don’t and realize that if you really want a thing, you will find the thing at some point, and you will buy it, and it will be fine. It will be fine. Clothes — no matter how lovely — are not worth the embarrassment of physical altercations and/or being taped trampling your fellow citizens.
In fact, these are the only instances in which you can physically altercate/trample somebody, according to me, an expert in everything:
– Whatever you need to get to win The Hunger Games (because otherwise you will die)
– A meet and greet with Dame Judi Dench (even though it would probably scare her, so please don’t)
– The aisle seat at the movie theatre where you can put your feet up on the metal rack and 99% of the time no one will sit near/around you because honestly that seat’s not so great
– The warm embrace of Colin Firth
– The warm embrace of Leonardo DiCaprio, circa 1996
– A chance to see Stay Puft Marshmallow Man up close/personal
– Escaping a house occupied by Jason, Michael Myers, or Leatherface (because again, you will otherwise die)
– That first cup ‘o coffee in the morning! #LOL (I’m kidding) (seriously, don’t you dare)
– Getting Alan Rickman to record your outgoing voicemail message
– Getting Alan Rickman to say your full name in any capacity
– Free slacks (everybody needs slacks)
– A promise that if you get to a destination first, Twitter will bring the fav back
– A chance to meet me, the most important person in your life
So I mean, there you have it. Those are the only instances anyone should be re-enacting the antelope stampede scene from The Lion King. Especially since we’ve all seen The Lion King, and we know what happens. (It doesn’t end well.) (I mean, the movie ends well because the movie is great, but you have to cry a lot first.)
Yes, H&M Balmain is beautiful. It is lovely, and you can/will look like any Kardashian or Jenner of your choosing, but I’ll tell you this much for free: nobody ever wants to be the person who realizes, mid-stampede, that they’re participating in a stampede. If not for the pain you’re for sure causing other people around you, then because it’s so embarrassing. So, so embarrassing. If Colin Firth isn’t there waiting with a hat tip, then what even are we doing.
