This morning I woke up, basked in the knowledge that I had successfully slept through the night (it’s an #achievement, I’m like a baby), and quickly learned that it was almost 10 a.m. and daylight savings had ruined my life.
I hate daylight savings. I hate the concept of time in general because I don’t understand it. I hate that I’m so tired at 10:37 that I feel 19 and like I’d just spent a night at the only bar open on a Sunday. I hate that I had hopes for the future (this morning) and plans and none of which included the moment in my kitchen where I seriously considered eating ground coffee right out of the jar. I hate that you’re probably relating to this, because nobody should relate to this, it is hell. So in the spirit of participating in this misery marathon together, here is how you can maintain a semblance of sanity despite it feeling like . . . I have no idea. I have no idea what time it is or what time it’s supposed to feel like. Heaven help us all.
1. Accept that for the next week, your brain will try to separate itself from your body
Everything about the next few days will be terrible. You will be tired. You will be tuckered. You will be every synonym imaginable for “exhausted.” So accept it. Accept that the two of us and anybody else who’s reading will make it through this week by the sheer power of will. The game is rigged against us. Take a breath and let the dreams of getting up early for the gym or to run errands or to plan a great outfit fade. This week isn’t for ambition, it is for survival. Please just tuck me in and let me nap.
2. Remind yourself that any anxiety (outside the normal amount) you experience is because you are tired and you have had 11 coffees before 2 p.m.
You’re not losing your mind, you are not about to pass away from sheer panic. Instead, you are tired, and you have had too many caffeinated treats, and you’ve lost your grasp on reality. It’s fine. (Or maybe not. Please stop before you can feel your heart beating — it won’t help you to morph into Michael Scott from the Pretzel Day episode. Drink some water. Drink water for every caffeine, even. You do not want to end the day by standing on top of your office chair and screaming as loud as you can.
3. Do not make any Big Choices
This point is just for me, who likes to wait until she is so tired and so caffeinated and so anxious that instead of taking a second to re-align and maybe eat a vegetable, I launch into major life choices when I am the rested equivalent of a newborn with colic. Nobody let me make any big choices this week. And if I look like I’m about to, please stop me because somebody must. I have no concept of time.
4. Use “time is a myth” as any excuse for any circumstance
You have five days left to use this alongside any credibility, so I urge you to. You’re late for work? Time is a myth. You sleep in and miss an appointment? Time is a myth. You spend your savings on a coat you didn’t need but felt would make you look like Midge Maisel? Time is a myth, and so is money now that we’re at it. (Yesterday I told a Starbucks barista that we’d all be dead in about ten years so who cares about healthy food, and I scared him to his core. It was amazing.) You have only a few days to live like Matthew McConaughey is what I’m saying. So do not waste them.