Valentine's Day is here, and there's nothing we can do about it. (Why? Because that's how calendars work.) So that being said, a lot of movies are being suggested and we're getting really into "romance."
Well I'm here to ruin that. I'm here, on a cold, snowy night to tell you what you've known all along: our most "romantic" movies are actually the worst, and of course we can still watch them, but we still need to acknowledge them as the worst. (Even if we love them.) Are you ready? Can you handle it? Is this the Valentine's Day miracle we've all been waiting for? Short answer: yes. Let's do this.
1. The Notebook (2004)
A teen boy will not leave a girl alone, and then their relationship becomes so obsessive, neither of them can live stable lives. Then, they both die at the same time because . . . ? I don't know why. They had kids. Grandkids. What the hell? Were they even Rachel McAdams and Ryan Gosling? Because as beautiful as James and Gina a.k.a. the older people are, they do not look like older versions of those actors. I still don't get why they had to die simultaneously. I have a Grandpa who had to take care of my Nana when she was dying of cancer. Did he lay down and die next to her? No, of course not. These people are out of their minds. If your relationship resembles The Notebook at all, break up with whoever you're with.
2. Romeo + Juliet (1996)
Two teenagers meet — totally stoned — at a party, then get married the next day. This doesn't work out, Romeo kills one of Juliet's family members, and then they kill themselves. IN WHAT WORLD IS THIS ROMANCE. IT'S TERRIBLE.
3. Love, Actually (2003)
I don't even know where to begin with this movie. The only healthy relationship in it is . . . Martin Freeman and his coworker? Sure. They meet at work. They date and get engaged. Everyone else? An illogical whirlwind that involves Alan Rickman cheating on Emma Thompson. NOBODY cheats on Emma Thompson. And what kind of weirdo declares his love to his best friend's WIFE at THAT BEST FRIEND'S HOUSE? An idiot, that's who. RICK GRIMES. Rick Grimes and his damn hat — but without his hat. With a zip-up cardigan instead.
4. Titanic (1997)
THEY KNEW EACH OTHER FOR LIKE, THREE DAYS, BEFORE THE 17-YEAR-OLD GIRL VOWED TO RUN AWAY WITH SOME DRIFTER.
5. Anything Nicholas Sparks
So much crying. Why is everybody crying? WHY DOES NO ONE LAUGH and/or when they DO laugh, why do they laugh at the stupidest shit?
6. Pretty Woman (1990)
Drink every time Richard Gere shames Julia Roberts for being a sex worker. Then drink to forget everything you just saw.
7. Dirty Dancing (1987)
Dude yells at Baby until she goes to his cabin (?!) and they have sex. What is this? Why is this happening? Remember when he loses it on her ALL THE TIME? When she borrows money from her Dad for Johnny's dance partner's abortion and he just makes a dig about her "running to Daddy"? What do you think they talked about in their spare time? Do you think she ended up joining the UN? I have literally no idea what this movie is about anymore. I do know that these two had two weeks after the final dance before they realized that outside this recreational venue, they had absolutely nothing in common.
8. Ghost (1990)
I just wanted to use this space to talk about how the President from Scandal plays Patrick Swayze's weirdo, murde-ry friend who takes his shirt off in Demi Moore's apartment for like, no reason.
9. When Harry Met Sally (1989)
Just kidding, this movie is perfect.