Six years ago, I was blindsided by a breakup that jolted my world. It happened a week before my serious boyfriend and I were meant to go on vacation to a honeymooners’ resort—a trip he bought me for my birthday so we could unwind, uninterrupted, and bask in one another on a beach to boot.
I was heartbroken. I was in shock. I was in denial. It was my first serious breakup not of my doing, and at the time, I didn’t have the tools to just accept that he made this decision, whether I liked it or not.
I remember about half a year after the fact, I was watching the final episode of The Bachelor where there were two final girls left on Ben Flajnik’s season (he was the wine guy,) and I knew that, along with the rest of the world, one of their hearts was about to be broken. Lindzi Cox got out of the limo wearing a cape and a smile, and walked over to Ben, with the expectation of an engagement. Instead, Ben told her that he had fallen for the season’s villain, Courtney Robertson. I was ready for the waterworks, ready to cringe, yet Lindzi’s response blew me away: She didn’t budge, she wished him well and she made a joke-to-kill-the-silence-while-you-awkwardly-walk-me-out comment.
She then went on to do press, and handled her interview questions with grace and class. When asked by Entertainment Weekly about the just-aired finale, she said: “I don’t have any hard feelings at all towards Ben. I think that at the end of day, he has to make the decision that’s best for him. I respect his decision. I wish him nothing but the best. But I think I’ve had four months now to really move on and get clarity on everything.”
Class act. As was Tenley Molzhan who got dumped in ‘The Final Rose’ episode on Jake Pavelka’s season of The Bachelor. She went on The Ellen Show after the fact to discuss, and she too said that what she felt was real, wished the couple the best, and said she’s doing her work to move on.
Watching how these ladies handled themselves both on live TV in a moment of heartache and surprise, and then after the fact, was not only a great lesson, but a great reminder of how we should compose ourselves following a split. They were positive. They didn’t question why things happened the way they did. They didn’t put down their ex or take stabs at him. Instead, they accepted the outcome, then moved forward to do the work it took to move on in a healthy way.
When someone breaks up with you, the decision has already been made. Chances are that they’ve been thinking about it for a while, have accepted their decision and let’s be honest, maybe even started a relationship or have been flirting with someone else. In their head, they’ve moved forward, which is why they’re okay with finally bidding you adieu.
Sure, you can beg for them to stay with you. Or you can try to guilt them into staying with you. But in the end, you’re just manipulating them and their real feelings. And down the road, that’s not substantial or healthy in a relationship. And though it might bide you some time, it will inevitably fall apart in the long run.
You might wonder why they’re leaving you (and ask them ad nauseum,) and you might wonder why they’re ending it/what you did wrong/what you can do to make it work. But in most cases, you’ll never find out the real reason. And asking them repeatedly or trying to analyze why your relationship didn’t work out with your friends, won’t allow you to move forward.
What will is acceptance.
What will is your reputation and your name.
What will is your class, your grace and your ability to focus on yourself and be the best version of yourself you can be.