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Bye, Felipe! Why You Don’t Owe Him Anything

A guy I once had a thing for hit me up on Facebook letting me know he was newly single, and wanted to take me out. We had a flirtation once upon a time, but knowing his current status, I was eager to meet up with him to see if there was a connection. I suggested we meet at a bar in my area, and an hour later, we did. He was super-touchy and overly familiar with me, and at first, I didn’t really mind.

After downing a drink he asked if I wanted to go back to my place (boy doesn’t beat around the bush!) and in the heat of the moment I suggested we have a few drinks and head to mine after. But after having another drink and “catching up,” I realized just how drunk he was (very!). His stories weren’t piecing together, he was acting pretty sloppy (too sloppy!) and overly touchy (too touchy!) and just so happened to tell me in a scattered story, that he had been drinking all day.

I knew I should remove myself from the situation, but I was also a bit fearful: I had already told him less than an hour earlier that I wanted him to come home with me, and I felt that since I said that and because I let him kiss me, that I had lead him on. In that moment, I felt that I owed him something, and I was worried to tell him I was no longer interested, because of my inability to predict how he’d react.

There are so many things in our daily lives that can put us in the position where we feel like we owe someone something: If a guy offers to get you a drink at a bar, if a friend offers you a ticket to a concert or Jays game, or if a guy who’s interested in you offers to fly you out and put you up for a weekend. These are all situations friends of mine have been in where they felt they had to hook up with someone or do something back in turn for the person, and that makes me so sad.

Because in all of these situations, you’re not actually being asked to do something in return. And yet, the feeling of owing is so strong that sometimes we do things out of pity, or because we feel guilty. But I’m here to remind you: You don’t owe anyone anything, ever. You need to let go of the guilt you feel by accepting these things or by assuming that someone has a set expectation of you. Sure, some people might have ulterior motives or have a tit-for-tat mindset, but that’s not your problem.

By accepting something from someone, you’re simply accepting it. You’re not required or bound by a contact to do something in turn. Nothing is owed, especially sex, even if it seems implied by another. Just because someone pays for something for you doesn’t mean you need to pay for it in other ways later. I don’t care if you’re both naked in his bed and you realize you no longer want to do anything. You put your clothes on and remove yourself from the situation, swiftly and safely.

You are your own person and you have a say in your actions and way of being. You are allowed to change your mind at any given moment, for any reason, or hell – for no reason at all. In my case, I excused myself to go the washroom and gave myself a pep talk. I hate to admit it, but I legit felt like I needed to pity kiss him some more or still have him over to my place, which is ridiculous! But we’ve all been there (as women, it seems like we’ve been conditioned to feel this way).

When I came back from my pep-talk moment, I told him I thought he should go home and get some rest. He put up an argument at first and borderline begged to come home with me, but I said not tonight, and went on my way, with a smile on my face and a feeling of pride in my mind.

 

http://29secrets.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/08/bye-felipe-walk-away-150x100.jpg Jen Kirsch Relationships

A guy I once had a thing for hit me up on Facebook letting me know he was newly single, and wanted to take me out. We had a flirtation once upon a time, but knowing his current status, I was eager to meet up with him to see if there was a connection. I suggested we meet at a bar in my area, and an hour later, we did. He was super-touchy and overly familiar with me, and at first, I didn’t really mind.

After downing a drink he asked if I wanted to go back to my place (boy doesn’t beat around the bush!) and in the heat of the moment I suggested we have a few drinks and head to mine after. But after having another drink and “catching up,” I realized just how drunk he was (very!). His stories weren’t piecing together, he was acting pretty sloppy (too sloppy!) and overly touchy (too touchy!) and just so happened to tell me in a scattered story, that he had been drinking all day.

I knew I should remove myself from the situation, but I was also a bit fearful: I had already told him less than an hour earlier that I wanted him to come home with me, and I felt that since I said that and because I let him kiss me, that I had lead him on. In that moment, I felt that I owed him something, and I was worried to tell him I was no longer interested, because of my inability to predict how he’d react.

There are so many things in our daily lives that can put us in the position where we feel like we owe someone something: If a guy offers to get you a drink at a bar, if a friend offers you a ticket to a concert or Jays game, or if a guy who’s interested in you offers to fly you out and put you up for a weekend. These are all situations friends of mine have been in where they felt they had to hook up with someone or do something back in turn for the person, and that makes me so sad.

Because in all of these situations, you’re not actually being asked to do something in return. And yet, the feeling of owing is so strong that sometimes we do things out of pity, or because we feel guilty. But I’m here to remind you: You don’t owe anyone anything, ever. You need to let go of the guilt you feel by accepting these things or by assuming that someone has a set expectation of you. Sure, some people might have ulterior motives or have a tit-for-tat mindset, but that’s not your problem.

By accepting something from someone, you’re simply accepting it. You’re not required or bound by a contact to do something in turn. Nothing is owed, especially sex, even if it seems implied by another. Just because someone pays for something for you doesn’t mean you need to pay for it in other ways later. I don’t care if you’re both naked in his bed and you realize you no longer want to do anything. You put your clothes on and remove yourself from the situation, swiftly and safely.

You are your own person and you have a say in your actions and way of being. You are allowed to change your mind at any given moment, for any reason, or hell – for no reason at all. In my case, I excused myself to go the washroom and gave myself a pep talk. I hate to admit it, but I legit felt like I needed to pity kiss him some more or still have him over to my place, which is ridiculous! But we’ve all been there (as women, it seems like we’ve been conditioned to feel this way).

When I came back from my pep-talk moment, I told him I thought he should go home and get some rest. He put up an argument at first and borderline begged to come home with me, but I said not tonight, and went on my way, with a smile on my face and a feeling of pride in my mind.

 

Jen Kirsch kirsch.jen@gmail.com Author Jen Kirsch is a relationship columnist, dating expert and on-air personality. 29Secrets

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