Let’s make this an evergreen post for the ages: I can’t.
I looked at Us Weekly today and I just couldn’t. I was like, “What should I write about during the second half of this terrible week?” and I saw a headline about Scott Disick and Bella Thorne taking selfies and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t at all. I couldn’t care, I couldn’t read it, I audibly made an “UGHHHH” sound and felt a million years old because no, I don’t need to know why Leann Rimes is proud of her butt (I mean, congrats, but also I do not care) or about who Kourtney Kardashian is kissing. I don’t care at all. I am tired and I feel sad and eating food is a feat for most of us at this point, and if I’m going to talk about anything I will talk about how weird it was to see President 45’s hand crushed by President Macron.
Or maybe I’ll talk about something actually fun. Like Celine Dion meeting Drake or why Ed Sheeran’s tattoo was spelled wrong that one time. I care about those things. I care about music and about TV and movies. I care about my friends and about the leftover deli food I have in the fridge that I am going to eat for lunch too fast and make myself sick with (I don’t know how to eat at a reasonable pace. And honestly, I will never know.) I care about true crime podcasts and documentaries. But we are living in a perpetual misery marathon and I don’t have room anymore to care about how much the stars are like us. Also because I don’t think they are. I’m drinking cold Tim Hortons coffee right now. I doubt any of them are doing the same.
Is it age? Is that why I don’t care? Do you care? At what point did you realize you didn’t have the bandwidth to keep track of everything happening in Hollywood? Or are you using it as an escape? Is that the key? Did you know Sarah Hyland is getting flack for her weight? I didn’t until I scrolled through a few sites this morning and all I could think was, “Wow her weight is none of our actual business” and then I sipped more of my room temperature coffee and felt even more tired, somehow.
So this is the evergreen post you can point friends to whenever you just cannot. They say, “I hear Bella Thorne–” and you say “Hold on” and you point them to this. And then you can tell them they can pick their own reason for your celebrity ignorance on the following reasons:
- I can’t
- I just cannot
- Honestly, no
- I’m too tired
- I’m old, stop it
- Seriously stop this, I mean it
- Nobody cares
- I don’t know who these people are
- No, don’t tell me who they are, I am very happy not knowing
- Do you see this work on my desk? Unless this Catfish star intends on coming over and helping me with it, no — I don’t care
- I don’t care
- Please just let me sleep
- Is this how Winston Churchill felt at the end?
- I have aged 42 years in the time of this sentence
- *walks into the sea*
- Nothing matters
- Please bring me soup
So there is that. I Can’t: The Official Post. Join me. Join us all. May Kourtney Kardashian be happy kissing whoever she wants. And may Scott Disick . . . fix his energy. Bless us, everyone.