Tomorrow The Crown’s second season premieres and truly, that’s the only thing that’s brought me joy in weeks. I only want to talk about The Crown right now. I only want to drink tea and dress in clothes I do not own, and worry about things like waving and Matt Smith being a terrible husband instead of anything I should be worrying about.
So I am going to worry about the following. Join me.
I am worried that we’re going to focus too much on Prince Philip
I don’t care about Prince Philip. I like Matt Smith, I like the scenes he’s in with Claire Foy, and that’s about all I’m here for. I am not here to explore the trajectory of his life. Who is? Genuinely, I am asking. Who? And why? And for what purpose? What hurt you, people who are wrong? And why do you seek to hurt me now?
I am worried that we won’t get at least five full episodes of Margaret and Lord Snowden
I want at least five. I want to make up for the absence of Group Captain Townsend, who I completely fell in love with. I want to feel so invested in this storyline that I care more about it than my own life or any of the people in it. I want it to make me pursue Matthew Good and believe, because I am delusional, that we can be together.
I am worried that Michael C. Hall’s JFK accent will be bad
Just maybe don’t do the accent, is what I’m thinking. Maybe, instead of him doing an accent at all, we all just tell ourselves that we know it’s there, and we don’t need to recreate it, and we’ve all watched speeches, so that’s fine. Because I’m worried the accent will distract me and I will have to think about his accent and not about the affair I would like him to have with QEII.
I am worried The Queen will not have an affair with JFK
I know it never happened and nothing even remotely close has been suggested, but I don’t care. I would like this. I deserve it. This year has been hard, and I would like my Crown fan-fic to come to life.
I am worried that we are going to have to look at Prince Philip’s beard
It’s in the trailer, and I don’t want to see any more than that. Like an independent Philip storyline, we also do not need a beard appearance. It isn’t great. It’s also attached to what I think is a whole plot involving him and the navy and being a “free spirit” and I’ll tell you who wants to watch anything attached to a free spirit beard: not me. Not me at all.
I am worried that I will not feel human emotions while watching this show
Did you know that if I need to cry, I will watch the second episode of The Crown’s first season when King George dies? That is my cry trigger. I watch that, I cry out whatever needs to be cried about, and then it’s over and done with and we all get to move on with our lives. But I’m nervous that nothing will make me cry this time. I’m nervous that I won’t get to feel the way I did when, say, the artist paints an honest portrait of Winston Churchill and his wife sets fire to it on their lawn. I’m nervous that I’m going to cry because it’s over and not because it happened. I’m nervous that I’m going to cry about something involving Prince Philip’s free spirit beard.
And then I’ll need to watch the second episode of series one, just to cry about something real again.
I am worried.