Tomorrow, after literal eons of waiting, we get new episodes of Stranger Things. (Which means that if I’ve made plans with you over the next few days, I’m sorry, but they’re cancelled).
So as per usual, I’ve got a few issues I need taken care of. And while I was a big fan of the series’ first season, I’m an even bigger fan of the plot devices I assume are going to go down in season two. Because if not, I’d be colossally disappointed. And my approval is what every showrunner and every human on this planet should strive for.
1. We know Eleven is back (as per the trailer), but she better get an even bigger narrative
Because last year she was hinged to The Boys. And that’s fine for a bit! It makes sense, because we’re supposed to be following the petit garcons through their “save Will” quest. But we also now need to know way more about Eleven. We need to know more backstory. We need to know about the Upside-Down. We need to know whether it’s possible for her to marry the worlds of whatever-the-hell and regular, boring Earth. Eleven is the most interesting character on this goddamn TV show, and if she morphs into a vehicle that exists solely for Mike’s affections, I will scream into the night.
2. Winona Ryder and David Harbour better fall in love
I know they have character names, and I don’t care. These two better make out under the Christmas lights or I will unleash some type of fury onto the universe, specificities TBD.
3. Nancy better dump Steve
I mean, come on. Cute that he helped Nancy and Charlie battle the alien-dudes, but lest we forget that Steve also Sucks. (Capital “S.”) And it’s not his fault, he’s just an idiot. He’s just a regular, teen, preppy idiot, and Nancy’s Lived Through Some Shit and I give them about a year before they realize they have nothing in common, and so help me God if they stay together through college, they will either break up shortly after frosh week or end up together out of sheer laziness until they decide to divorce in the 1990s after both of them have multiple affairs.
4. But also Nancy better not date Charlie (right away)
Because dude also has some issues. Remember how he’s a total babe? Yes, of course. But also: remember how he just photographs her from afar? That’s a red flag. That’s a weird thing. Here’s what Charlie needs to do: move away. Move to like, Seattle or New York and start a band and then get to a place where he can talk about how strange he was as a teen and then he can meet Nancy (who ends up at art school or whatever-the-fuck) and be like “Wow! Sorry I was so weird!” And there. That’s what needs to happen, you’re welcome.
5. The news better cover whatever’s happening in this weird town
Look: it’s weird. This is some weird shit. Bring on the news, please. Why isn’t the news covering this? Why doesn’t the news cover anything ever in movies and TV shows like this? The sky — according to the trailer — is a literal alien. Children are spitting out slugs. A small child is Carrie-ing all over the place. Where’s Lloyd Robertson. Where’s Peter Mansbridge. Where’s Gail Weathers.
6. Men In Black better show up
Because I have a crush on Tommy Lee Jones and this is something I deserve.
7. Also, more Eggos