This Sunday, the Oscars will happen. And there’s nothing any of you can do to stop them.
Which is fine! It’s all okay. I’ve seen only like, four of the nominated Best Picture films so far, and the closer we get to the awards, the more I know I will never, ever see the the rest. Which is also fine: you can’t watch everything because none of us have time and we are all very busy and important. But that being said, I’m here to prepare you for the onslaught of Oscar discussion you’ll inevitably find yourself in the middle of. Mainly, I’m here to tell you whether or not to care. Because I do care. But only about getting out of conversations I can avoid if possible.
Topic: The Shape of Water
Should you care? This is a movie about, from what I understand, a woman who falls in love with a fish-man. I still haven’t seen this movie, and I will probably never see this movie, but it’s important that you know that there’s a fish, there’s a woman, and there’s a sex scene, and that means there are endless jokes on Twitter to make. Care enough to make fish jokes.
Topic: Jimmy Kimmel hosting
Should you care? I mean, look: over the course of the Trump presidency, Kimmel’s done a pretty great job of calling him out on health care, immigration, and gun control. So, it’d be nice to think his opening monologue will be interesting and good and at least on par with Golden Globes’ host Seth Meyers (who was funny and smart but without being “AM I RIGHT, LADIES?” or whatever). Especially since we’re all existing in the worst possible timeline. So yes, okay, fine, care. Even if you choose to care only by watching clips of it the next day on YouTube. Just wade in.
Should you care? I’ll be honest. If you don’t know what #MeToo is about by now, I can’t help you. Also, an awards show certainly won’t help you. No celebrity on earth can help you. Your caring should be separate from any/all award-anythings. Ultimately, if you don’t know about the news by this point, skip television altogether until you’re caught up. Bless you.
Topic: Daniel Day-Lewis
Should you care? Apparently, Phantom Thread has marked the end of his career. Do you like Daniel Day-Lewis? Then by all means care. If, like, me you are sure he’s a very nice man, but also you think hanging out with him would be very exhausting, then don’t worry about caring. Enough people do that he won’t notice if you never tweet about Phantom Thread.
Topic: The red carpet
Should you care? I mean, look. For 48 hours, everybody you have ever met will talk about who wore what on the red carpet. This will be the only topic of conversation unless somebody announces La La Land as Best Picture again. But does this mean you should care? No. Absolutely not. You do not have to care about the red carpet unless you like talking and thinking about clothes and fashion. You can do anything else. You can watch another TV show. You can watch Lady Bird or whatever. But you do not have to watch E! hosts ask questions that are confusing and strange if your heart isn’t in it. Because truly, it has to be. Or you will not survive.
Topic: Tom Hanks
Should you care? Tom Hanks is in the nominated movie, The Post. But that doesn’t matter to me. This is just a reminder to check in on our Dad, Tom Hanks. I want to make sure he’s fine and okay at all costs. And if you don’t care, I don’t even want to know you.