The older I get, the more I aspire to levels of Mariah Carey-esque pettiness. And I do not that mean that as a dig, I mean it as the greatest compliment one can possibly give. Because honestly if you don’t want to dismiss the people you don’t like with a one-size-fits-all phrase of dismissal, I don’t think I want to know you.
Here’s why I’m on about it.
So months ago, Demi Lovato said something about Mariah on social media (who cares), and Mariah stayed relatively mum about it. But then on last night’s episode of Watch What Happens with Andy Cohen, the greatest singer to ever lived played a game called “Plead the Fifth.” There, she was posed — and dodged questions — about her ex-fiancé and ex-boyfriend before Cohen moved onto Demi.
“Demi Lovato, I didn’t know this, she kind of shaded you on social media,” said the host. “She made assumptions about Ariana Grande and she said, ‘Mariah’s a legend and she’s so talented but she disses people. It’s nasty the way she treats Jennifer [Lopez]. What would you say to Demi?”
Please pause for dramatic interlude.
“I don’t know her either and so I wouldn’t say anything to her,” said our patron saint of Christmas. “She should come up, introduce herself to me, say, ‘Here’s my opinion, what do you think about it?’ That’s how you handle shit, okay?”
Also, she claimed not to know Ariana Grande either and truly, this is the fuel that’s going to get me to the end of the year of our lord, 2016. It’s what is going to get me through these long, cold days and long, cold nights, and inspire me the next time somebody says, “Do you know what so-and-so said about you?” Because instead of saying, “OH WHAT DID THEY SAY?” I will pretend I have never heard of them in my life and sleep knowing they will be saying to everybody who will listen, “Yes she does know who I am, we have met, I swear.” And I will just continue to plead the fifth a.k.a. The Mariah a.k.a. the most perfect kind of shade, bless us everyone.