Today is the first day of summer and I think we can all agree: it is a terrible season and I hate it so much.
And I’m not saying it to be contrarian. On this, the first day of summer solstice, the only words I can offer revolve around my general upset at having to participate in summer at all. I hate feeling sweaty, I hate not being able to take an actual breath and I hate when it’s night and it still feels like soup outside.
I like cute outfits, not being hit in the face with ice pellets or sideways snow and not ruining my shoes/boots with slush and salt, but honestly? I’ll take almost all of it when you think about how terrible we all feel after two hours under the sunlight. Because we do. For the most part, we all feel a little sick, don’t we? I know you do. I do. The other day I didn’t roll my window down in time and immediately got a headache from the light and temperature. (Even though I was totally sick anyway, but whatever—I make my own rules.) And even if right now you’re reading this and thinking, “Whatever! You’re a liar! I live for this shit!” we both know that you’re a liar, and there has come a time where you’ve felt legitimately ill at the hands of a sunburn, don’t lie to me.
So if you like summer, good for you. Get out of here because this post isn’t yours. This one is for the rest of us. Here are all the things I hate about the summertime:
1. Patio rushes
Guess what: we are literally overlooking a parking lot. There’s AC inside. What’s wrong with you people?
2. Constant sweating
CONSTANTLY. Winter has never done this to me.
3. Weekend plans
God forbid I want to stay in and absorb another season of Peaky Blinders. God forbid I don’t want to take a photo of the beach.
4. The beach
Or: once while I was at one, they announced an E.Coli warning when I was in the water and I wanted to actually die.
I HATE SAND.
6. “Cute” outfits
Acceptable for like, two weeks. Then it’s too hot to want to wear anything but a suit made entirely of ice packs.
7. “BEST SUMMER EVER”
Stop this. We are adults. The summer will be fine because it’s usually always fine. Honestly if you have a cottage, few things can go wrong, let’s be serious. (I don’t have one. Many things have gone wrong in many of my summers. But I’ve never declared this to be the Best Summer After, so it’s fine.)
8. New shoes
I say this because from May to July, it looks like something terrible has happened, and it has: I have been re-breaking in all the summer shoes I own.
9. Cottage invites
Unless I have my own room with my own bathroom and kitchenette (see: hotel) I do not want to hang out in a communal space with a bunch of people I will for sure be sick of in 24 hours, I’m sorry.
10. That one movie coming out that everyone’s psyched about—come on!
Everybody knows that the best movies come out after September, so stop this delusion, stop this now.
11. The new Star Trek, tho?
Okay, fine. I’ll for sure see that.
See? I’m right about everything. Let’s all go hang out in the mall.