29 Things That Will Happen if Leo Actually Wins the Oscar

This is it. Tonight is the night. We will finally see if making ridiculous sacrifices for the sake of one’s “craft” will pay off. We’ll get to see if Leo finally (FINALLY) wins the Oscar he’s been hoping and wishing and being memed about for decades (DECADES). But, until that actually happens, let’s take a look at what will happen if he really does win, shall we? Will the world be a different place? A better place? WHO KNOWS.

1. When his name is announced, Leo spontaneously combusts from all of the tension of waiting this long
2. All of the films Leo was nominated for will spontaneously turn into copies of The Revenant
3. Kate Winslet will appear on stage on a floating door to accept on his behalf, and the only speech she’ll give is “I’ll never let go,” and then she and the door will just float away, never to be seen again 
4. He’ll bring the bear on stage with him to accept the award
5. He’ll announce that he’s quitting acting because he realizes all the things he had to do to get to this moment really aren’t worth it after all
6. He thanks only the bison liver and his gag reflex
7. He goes on stage and says, “Nah, I think I’ll pass and leaves with a gaggle of sexy models
8. Right before he delivers his acceptance speech, Kanye will come on stage and interrupt him, saying that Eddie Redmayne should have won instead
9. He’ll go on stage and burst into a fit of ugly-cry sobs until the music comes on and the bear has to drag him off of the stage
10. No one claps when his name is announced
11. Eddie turns to Hannah and says, Really? I thought I was a shoe-in. He never wins
12. Leo crawls to the stage, recreating the moments in The Wolf of Wall Street and The Revenant (basically the same movie)
    
13. Instead of doing an acceptance speech, he’ll give everyone a lecture about what real art is and why he deserved to win all along
14. Instead of doing an acceptance speech, he’ll lecture everyone on environmental issues and ask if the statue was made from recycled materials
15. He takes an insanely long time walking to the stage, making everyone wait because they made him wait
16. He just sits in his chair with his vape thing and ignores everyone
17. He admits in his acceptance speech that he’s now addicted to eating bison liver, but that it’s having a negative impact on his environmental initiatives
18. He shows everyone how little he cares about winning the Oscar by raffling off his statue for money for his environmental initiatives
19. People have to find new material to use to make fun of Leo because that joke about him not winning is SO OLD (guys, he vapes. GO)
20. He goes on stage and says, Really? I win for this? I’ve been addicted to Qaaludes for like two years because of Wolf and this is what you consider good? Why do you think I ate the bison liver? No one does that shit sober.
21. He’ll go on stage and just yell “FUCK YOU GUYS” and then walk away
22. Everyone gives him a standing O because they’re scared to see what kind of movie he makes if they don’t support this win
23. They spell his name wrong on the statue (it’s DiCaprio, not di Caprio)
24. He thanks his mom for always believing in him and for making him cookies all those times he didn’t win or get nominated, because he’s a perfect gentleman
25. He tells everyone he’s quitting acting to pursue being a full-time model-dater and vape spokesperson
26. The curse gets lifted and he turns into the Beast from Beauty and the Beast
27. He asks if anyone is ordained because he’s been waiting to get married so he can wed his one true love, the Oscar statue, and doesn’t want to wait any longer
28. He has the statue melted down to make a solid gold Oscar vape pen? Is that what they’re called? Vape device? Doohickey? Thingamabob? Sonic screwdriver?
29. He goes into a blind rage after they say his name because he assumes he just didn’t win again

By Ashley Kowalewski and Anna Wellman