The opening ceremonies are tonight and I’m ready to get turned up my friends. Or should I say, more turned up, because realistically I’ve been anxiously awaiting the Olympics ever since Katy Perry’s song “Rise” was released.
I remember listening to the song one fateful Monday morning on the way to work, and at one point I got so into it that I started pretending I was Michael Phelps swimming down Spadina Avenue and nearly assaulted a pedestrian with my vigorous arm motions. Yes, its that good, and yes, I’m that psychotic.
When I arrived at work I proceeded to sit down at my desk and watch the music video approximately 48 times. This in turn spiraled into a few hours searching for the “best motivational sport moments” on YouTube and stalking my favourite athletes on Instagram (on a related note, I think it’s imperative that you know Michael Phelps has a baby and he took him swimming and it is possibly the cutest thing on the internet.)
So, yes, I would say I’m pretty pumped about the Olympics.
And I’m here to make sure you get stoked for the Olympics too, because— Rio’s contaminated water conditions and economic crisis aside— the Olympics are pretty magical. Think about it, in a world where bad things are on the news everyday, the Olympics provide us with three glorious weeks of athletic achievement, unity, and some good wholesome entertainment. Also I’m hoping this will stop me from having to see awkward pictures of Hiddleswift in the news, but that’s besides the point…
Since I want everyone to get on my level, but mostly because I thoroughly enjoyed air-swimming on the way to work and I hope to give you the same joy, I’ve compiled a list of some of the most breathtaking Olympic moments of our time. Prepare yourself for some major goosebumps friends, this ain’t no Taylor Swift Fourth of July party, these athletes get REAL as hell.
This is the moment Ussain Bolt (officially) became the fastest man alive and thus (officially) earned the right to look down on the rest of us slow moving peasants. IDK though, no one has ever officially timed me running home for dinner after work, so I remain skeptical. Watch the clip and marvel at how he moves his legs so quickly, that its basically an optical illusion.
Spoiler alert: this race will leave you feeling Phelpsed. What is that you ask? It’s the emotional rollercoaster Michael Phelps puts us through when he starts out slow, falls behind in the race, and then comes back in the last few milliseconds to win the gold and maybe set a world record if he feels like it. Symptoms of Phelpsing include hysteria, tears, and heart palpitations.
During the Montreal 1967 Olympics 14 year old Nadia Comăneci was awarded the first perfect ten in Olympic history for her performance on the uneven bars. Suddenly I don’t trust Miley Cyrus or my mom who always told me “nobody’s perfect.”
You need to click on the link in her name to watch this one, because the video can’t be embedded, but I’ve decided to include it anyway because as a Canadian, it would be criminal to make a list of the best Olympic moments and not include Clara Hughes. This Canadian legend not only kills it in the winter speed skating, but she comes BACK AT IT AGAIN for cycling in the summer Olympics. Remember her name for the next time someone brags about being a good multitasker so you can be like “…Ok pal, you’re no Clara Hughes.”
Honestly you have to be one heartless son of a gun to watch this and not cry. Joannie Rochette mother died two days before the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics, but she persevered and gave a jaw dropping performance that earned her a silver medal, and a gold one in literally everyone’s hearts.
And just in case you aren’t excited yet…